Ch.1

 The first week into January 2012, I started talking with a strapping young fellow. We spoke on the phone for about two weeks and things just seemed too good to be true. We got along famously and chatted for hours every night. I should have been focusing on my studies but I was just so enamoured with this fellow. I was so convinced that this guy was the 'one' that I had no insecurities about our first meeting or what he would think of me. The 2-week mark came around and we had finally set a date to meet. Towards the end of our 2-week telephone randez-vous, he started to make more sexual comments. I overlooked this insight and concluded that perhaps it was his methodology in staying out of the 'friend zone'. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I always do. We finally met and things started off horribly. He picked me up and we had plans to go out for dinner. Our initial meeting was not awkward or anything it just felt like two good friends meeting after not having seen each other in some time. We hugged, it felt nice. Then we proceeded to go out for dinner. We arrived at Boston Pizza, he said he wanted to use a gift card he had received for Christmas. I mentioned that Boston Pizza was probably the worst choice for a dining establishment but we went anyway. We arrived and were seated. Things were a bit weird. I think at that time was his deciding point that he really wasn't that into me. You know the saying, usually within the first three minutes you can tell if you like someone or not. I think for him it was like 3 seconds. We ordered drinks, he ordered a double. I guess he wanted to get a head start on things. He then realised he forgot his wallet. To this day, I still don't know if this REALLY was the case [more on this later]. I told him I would pay for the drinks but to cancel our dinner, I was a student and I really could not and did not want to pay for dinner and besides, no one really WANTS to eat on the first date. We left the restaurant in a frantic search for his wallet. He concluded that he forgot his wallet at home. Despite how shitty and awkward this first impression was, I still wanted to continue our date. So we, detoured to the liquor store and picked up a 6 pack of Old Mils... I payed, obvi. We went back to my place and my roomate had a bunch of people over so it wasn't really the cliche type of, 'Lets-go-back-to-my-place'. I awkwardly introduced him to my roomates, we went into my room and nervously chatted about our mutual interests like music. I put on my shitty Ipod dock and played my playlist from 3 years prior; a mix of Motown classics, Feist and Neil Young. He dug it. I skipped through a Feist song, he told me to put it back, I did not. We drank. I sat in my swivel computer chair and he lay on my bed. After the second tall-can, I joined him. Not in an effort to be seductive by any means, I was just legitimately tired and wanted to lay down. As I layed down, I faced my back towards him and iterated that I had no intention of fooling around with him and I really did not, I genuinely liked him. He mentioned something about not being able to lay in a bed with a woman and not be turned on. I think at this point, our conversation turned into flirtatious, drunken, pillow talk. I asked him, still with my face turned away, if we were going to snuggle? I made the first move. We cuddled, that was the first and probably the last time. 

1 year later

To my amazement, I just rediscovered my personal blog...over a year later. Looking back, so much has happened in the past calendar year but I am still loveless and jobless. After I wrote my last post in July 2011, I ended up getting a job at a camp as a cook, a job which my friend helped me land. I was working for her. Whilst it was great as a temporary cash boost, it did not do much for morale. Shortly after, I realised its not where I wanted to be in life. That September I enrolled at University to complete my B. Sc. during this time as well, I was still dating my ex and had made a shocking discovery that cannot be divulged for its far too personal. After the discovery, I became severely depressed and was on the verge of quitting school. I dropped my course load from 2.5 credits to 1.5 but still did terribly. I pushed myself until I finally got a much deserved break. The Christmas holidays rolled around and gave me an opportunity to re connect with my friends and family and helped immensely. I slowly started pulling my self out of my little hole and started working out every other day as a means of dealing with stress and depression. My marks started to improve but were still not up to University or personal standards. I managed a full course load but still only passed about half my classes. Being the hopeless romantic I am, I immersed myself into the dating scene once again and started an online profile. Some dates lasted 1 night, others 7 months.

I gotsta thinking about something...

A few days ago, a thought came across me and it brings me back to my previous analogy about job hunting/dating. I find myself getting to the first date stage (interview) but then never get past this point. Could it be because of my physical appearance? I brought this point up to my mom and she said that would be discrimination, yes, that is true but what made me think even harder was she didn't say something characteristic of what a mother would say to her daughter like, "Oh, hunny don't be riculous, you are beautiful"... so maybe it is my physical appearance. I have always been self-concious even in grade school when I was considered to be 'skinny', 'young' and 'beautiful'. I am definitely lacking in the self confidence department, especially now that I am over-weight and seem to be getting bigger by the year. I am in my mid-twenties, other factors I have to consider now are aging and looking less attractive. This is a picture that I took of myself, I don't consider any part of myself photogenic, in fact, I always avoid havign my picture taken because once they get posted on facebook (and they alwys do), I am always in shock of how I look physically. I am surprised if anyone found me to be attractive. I don't understand it, I am a fairly active person, I don't really have a sendentary life style, I don't eat that much, I binge eat on occasion but lately I have been wating alot better, avoiding processed foods and have almost completly avoided gluten. I think today I am going to eliminate refined sugars as I do tend to indulge in sweets. I love excercising, yoga, working out and outdoor activities. I guess maybe I am not working hard enough... tomorrow I get my HST/GST credit so I am going to sign for a month of hot yoga which is an amzing work out and I could achieve some results. I'm sick of beign the fat girl, I wanna be that sexy bitch that walks down the street and all the guys ogle, holler and whistle at. Yah, that will be my motivation. Perhaps, today I will go for a rollerblade.

This Week in Progress

I managed to not follow any rules I set myself. However I did have a very productive week. This week I decided to take a break from applying for environmental jobs and rather worked on developing my portfolio. I had 4 shoots during the week, an interview with Sephora today (which I was really excited about landing) and tomorrow I have a horror film shoot. So I pretty much had a full work week, except I made $0 but its all in the name of art! Below are a few photos from my shoots.

I don't normally consult the stars...

I don't normally consult the stars on a daily basis but from time to time its fun to see what is destined for us. Here goes:

Happiness is about finding joy in the simple and routine things that must get done, niuniu. Try not to see tasks and chores as something that you necessarily need to loathe as you do them. Set your mind into a framework in which you find pleasure and satisfaction in attending to details like watering the plants. These activities are best enjoyed with a close partner - especially on a day like today.

This is pretty relevant to what I am experincing with my job hunting routine.

Jobless in the City

Initially, I was going to title this blog, 'Jobless in the City' but I decided to abide by the 'Laws of Attraction' and turn something negative sounding into something positive, thus we have, 'Smart Cookie for Hire'. Since I love blogging, I am going to turn my frustrations of not finding a job into a job!
I will try my best to blog about how and what I have done to gain employment, on a daily basis. This method will aid me in staying motivated in my search, as well as brush up on my typing skills. I will stop blogging about my experiences once I have found a means of employment which:

• provides 'full-time', permanent, on-going and continuous employment;
• challenges my intellectually and gives me a sense of purpose in the world;
• provides me enough monetary compensation to live the lifestyle I choose to live

I am currently unemployed. I am a trained and educated professional in the environmental sector with about 3-5 years of paying environmental experience. I have worked with 3 different government organizations as well as worked with non-for-profit and charitable organizations on a volunteer basis. I know I am employable, capable and have been considered a candidate by top employers because I manage to get to the interview stage, I just can't move passed it. I CAN'T GET PASSED THE FRIEND STAGE!

I got the goods (experience and education), I got the guy (employer), I get the call for a date (job interview), I think the date goes well (interview) but then he never calls me back and I never get into his pants (the job)!
At this beginning of this year (2011), I enrolled in a Studio and Bridal Makeup course, which is an interest of mine and was intended on being a second career option but at the moment it has provided me with more opportunities, work and monetary compensation than my training as an environmental professional. My freelance makeup career is something I am constantly persuing alongside my professional environmental career.

As mentioned earlier, I will attempt to blog every day about what I have done to obtain gainful employment as a self motivating tool. I hope you come along for the journey. In case you would like to know more about my freelance career as a makeup artist, you can visit the following links:

http://www.torontobridalbeauty.com/
http://www.nicoleertl.com/
www.modelmayhem.com/NicoleMUAErtl
www.facebook.com/NicoleMUAErtl

You can also check out my other blogs here:

http://www.nicoleertl.blogspot.com/
http://www.torontobridalbeauty.blogspot.com/

Cheers!